by Anna Cornelia Beyer
Schizophrenia is part of the autism spectrum disorders, the psychiatrists say. I work not too well with people, even if I did teach for a long time, which means talking to a lot of young people. But I usually am very nervous, shy and a little anxious in groups, and I cannot really do partnerships extremely well, even if I like them and love people. That’s why I often end up lonely and never married. Even if I like company, I cannot handle a lot of interaction. I like writing instead.
It is a disability like blindness or autism, and at the same time an ability (in my case clairaudience and high intelligence of some sort, at least I scored very high once, I think) like synaesthesia. It is an illness, like maybe diabetes or blindness, might be caused by one’s own wrongdoing, like wrong diet or whatnot, or by default, and might be curable, or not. It might be that people with this illness have other special abilities to either cope with it or just because.
I hear a lot of voices, even when I am alone and even when other people say they don’t hear them. I don’t know what or who I hear, but apparently things that other people don’t. I heard the voice of my ex-partner for a long time while separated many, many miles from him without any contact. Now, I hear a lot of unidentifiable voices and my family, who live in a different country than me, and start to have spiritual and other visions (clairvision).
To me, even on the highest doses of medication, it is often so loud that I fear the entirety of my city must be disturbed by the shouts of my family. But no one says a word about it, even not when I ask, and I have no rational explanation why and especially how my family should manage to shout around here. And also the police did not come to me and ask me about it. Even if I landed in the locked ward when I wrote emails in capital letters back home and to other people.
I also seem to hear spirits. Sometimes, I hear gentle, peaceful voices. They indicate they are my spirit guides. They appeared after seeking that out with a video that I listened to.
I seem to have heard God once. To me, the voice reminded me of Prof. Mearsheimer’s voice. But I don’t think the Professor can broadcast his voice into my living room, if he knows where I live, without the use of telephone, and read my thoughts. I do believe, so I think schizophrenia for me all started with a spiritual experience. I heard Jesus, in 2002, and he told me about the future and gave me some very basic survival and necessary lifestyle advice. That was all. It happened all while I worked at Uni, and I learned electronic ‘weapons’ are in existence that can mimic telepathy. And Universities do play around with a lot of stuff in development. So, I am not always entirely sure. But I reckon it is quite unlikely that I am persistently hunted since 2002 or 2007 with electronic weapons. At best, I believe my voices (symptoms of schizophrenia) are a mixture of electronic, animalistic telepathy, and spirit communication.
I also see things. Some might be electronic, some might be spiritual visions. People since the beginning of humanity had spiritual visions. For example, I saw ghosts, golden angels, and Jesus’ face, and had lucid dreams. I am not aware that electronic devices can produce lucid dreams. But they can produce mental images, I heard. I don’t know if this is possible from a distance/remotely targeted. Today I saw golden light on the wall of my room that looked like sunlight, but there was no sun through the window. I prayed for it, for clairvoyance, seeing angels and dreams. I am not aware that anyone listens to my silent thoughts all the time, apart from God and angels, even if some mindreading technology exists, which is used at airports for security reasons for example, and answers my thoughts.
I also seem to have developed animal telepathy in myself without electronic means, animal telepathy, which Prof. Rupert Sheldrake talks about. Like he argues animals do, I can sometimes hear thoughts of other people, if directed at me. Such as: Go away! I love you! etc. I am not allowed to or capable of spying out a lot or anything at all unwanted about other people. I was fascinated with telepathy since childhood, and read a lot about it since starting to hear some voices. I am pretty certain that some or most people, especially amongst people who hear voices – often diagnosed as schizophrenia or psychosis – are telepaths and spirit hearers. In other cultures this is a common revered outcome of prolonged meditation practice, shamanic drugs, or the maybe more common skill of old people.
The usual theme of my voices that are not animal telepathy or spirit talk are Have kids, get married, come home, etc. I was convinced they came from other people with kids, they started in 2007. They got so bad that I had a sterilisation, because I could not afford children nor had a partner for decades. When I finally found a man, it turned into the voice of my mother and my cousin, and they became so loud that I lost my job, became severely alcoholic, nearly committed suicide several times, and my partner finally kicked me into the locked psych ward because he could not endure it for one year. I live on benefits, single, with a PhD, not pregnant apparently if my maths and biology knowledge is right and the doctors are any good, in a disabled people’s care home room at age 50 now.
I don’t know how they do that, the noise and loud voices. I really don’t. I think it might be a general German theme, maybe supported by the government, and in England even nurses kill babies because of it, its so fascist! It’s a longstanding fight in my family about my reproducibility, that I need to reproduce, and I experienced shaming into utter poverty, manipulation into 2 years hardcore rape, and loneliness for every man I did not marry many times. They justify it with ‘generational contract’ which means to them they have the right to demand grandchildren from me absolutely no matter what. At the moment, they try to use psychiatric and police force to marry me to a gentle kind intelligent man who does not want either. I ended up going to international courts to fight this, because it is fascism, not love.
I am multi faith, and widely read, I believe in karma somewhat (yes, one can do bad actions which are punished, no, not all is just under the heaven). We need more rights for women and I lobby for a right to childlessness for women. That would help with gender equality, overpopulation, which causes war and climate change, and would make many marriages happier! We wont die out quickly because of it, does anyone claim that with 9 trillion people? But women could become happier, we could see true female geniuses, and if ever we had a population problem, some female ’soldiers’ would volunteer to have children!
I myself am too old, have taught too many youngsters to want my own (about 2000 or more, rough estimate, in my lifetime; mothers with 4 kids, want to battle me? that was a joke, but also truth), am single, and struggle with the necessities to start a family, always did. I have other talents. I don’t want to be forced. And it would not be good for no one if I was forced into motherhood. You don’t force an alcoholic to drink either.
If that is dealt with, for the time being, I might be ok. Other problems with other people might occur, but that’s the future. The medications work somewhat to keep me calm and composed, and one year locked ward can be as precious as a one year cloister retreat, because you are not asked to or forced to do anything at all but sleep, and eat and take meds. That is in itself precious, for a worker. Even if I did ask the psychiatrists not to take anyones job away for treatment. Britain is very kind and grants each disabled person on my level of severity and with social security a free paid for accomodation and benefits. I live – Covid changed a lot – in a reused hotel room now with new people I never met in the hotel (disabled people’s home). It’s quite cozy, nice, I have my own space, fair enough. It’s not nice if people with schizophrenia land on the streets, which seems to happen frequently all over the world. I read that in some spiritual countries, India for example, people with schizophrenia are revered somewhat for their spiritual capabilities and do marry more often and are integrated more often.
Schizophrenia in the West is often misunderstood as the mass murderer syndrome. I have never killed, not even broken a bone of anyone else but myself. I stole some food in teenage as a hungry confused refugee youngster without money, paid back by now. That’s it for crimes, apart from possibly some writing legalities that are changed all the time maybe, not sure. My dear friend Mark Ellerby has the same problem. He, I think, is often mistaken as Anders Behring Breivik or someone like him. That is nonsense! And it is part of the reason why people with schizophrenia live very lonely lives, remain mostly unemployed, often for their entire lives, unmarried, without kids, and die early, and call themselves lucky if allowed to live with their birth families. This is not a joke. This is the bitter truth. Thankfully, in Britain, a lot is done against the stigma recently. And, in fact, I found in the locked ward by talking to some schizophrenic women, that I am not the only one who heard or saw God! We (at least some of us) are sort of the manic street preachers, and you shun us like untouchables! Some of us are gifted psychics or mediums.
What helps me is meds, yes, especially in emergencies, hospital yes, in emergencies, but a combination of more with that. With vitamins (Niacin, Omega 3, and Vitamin C) I survived 12 years at uni and kept my lucidity. The key word here is combination according to need. Music has a massive influence on the psyche, helps me a lot, can change my personality. I like meditation and classical music, and some pop, hiphop, jazz, blues, and country on occasion. Faith-based activities (prayer, meditation) and a healthy lifestyle help too. Basically that’s it.
Finally, just to illustrate the good and bad of schizophrenia: I once hallucinated a gangrape that was so real and painful to me, even if I was alone in my room, that I wanted to commit suicide. I heard voices shouting so loud in the sky that I felt like Britain had become a massive football pitch, but my boyfriend seemed undisturbed and drove his car and read in calm and said he cannot hear them. Not sure. I had lucid dreams that felt like clairvoyance flights or trips, mind movies, with clear sound and vision and memory, maybe of the future. The aborigines say dreams are soultrips. I saw and talked to angels, rarely but surely. And benign aliens. That was awesome. Good and bad both happened. With increasing faith, the good became more common, I think. Sometimes, I am so bad and poorly that I lie hallucinating in bed for a week. Sometimes, I am manic and brilliant, it appears.
Dr. Anna Cornelia Beyer is a former senior lecturer in political science from the University of Hull. She works as an independent author at the moment and welcomes any inquiries for writing contracts. Send her mail.
Isonomia Quarterly 